Thursday, April 21, 2011

Days like today

I didn't sleep very well last night.


I am visiting my mother this week and at her house I have to share a room with John. Who apparently talks in his sleep!


So I woke up grumpy and tired this morning.


And even though my mom is taking care of the kids and letting me be alone, I can't go back to sleep. My head is too full of thoughts. Mostly sad thoughts that I can't help thinking. I try to be a positive thinker. I don't like dwelling on unpleasant things, but on days like today my melancholy personality takes over and I just have to spend some time in "the depths of despair" as my favorite fictional character likes to say.


My head is remembering a similar morning five years ago. In fact it was this very morning.

April 21, 2006.


I was at my mom's house that day too. And I hadn't slept well either.

Libby was 10 months old but still waking up every two hours to nurse like a newborn. I was exhausted and stressed and fighting that internal battle of not wanting to lose someone I love, but not wanting him to be in pain anymore either.


So the night before this morning, I left Libby in the capable hands of my Aunt Martha, armed with a bottle of dreaded formula and I went next door to sleep at my neighbor's house.


And even without the waking baby, I still didn't sleep. My cell phone was by the bed and I just laid there waiting for it to ring. My sweet neighbor left a flashlight next to the bed for me, just in case I had to walk home in the dark.


My aunt called around 4am to tell me that he was gone. I walked home through the trees with my flashlight and up the stairs to my parents bedroom. My brother was sitting next to the bed just looking at him. I didn't say anything and I didn't get too close. I didn't really want to see a dead body. And I knew my dad wasn't there anymore anyways.


I looked at his face one last time before leaving the room. His eyes were wide open and his mouth was in a slight "oh" shape. His countenance hadn't fully faded yet, and in his eyes there was still visible the awe-struck wonder and relief he must have felt when he saw Jesus, coming to take him Home.


It has been five years. And most days I can remember my dad with a smile. I can laugh at memories and feel peace that he is in the presence of God and that I will see him again.


But some days, like today, the pain is still fresh.


And I am overwhelmed with missing him.

8 comments:

Rachel @ Moments With My Miracles said...

Hugs and prayers today as you remember your dad!

Kmama said...

I'm so sorry. Anniversaries of this type are so painful. I hope you can get some comfort from family today.

Cyndi said...

Oh Lauren. I am so sorry for your lose. I'm praying the peace that only He can give you will wash over you today. Love you girl.

Emily said...

Ditto what Cyndi said. Your dad was a sweet man who was a blessing to everyone he met. Thinking of you today...

Ashley said...

My heart hurts for you today. I'll be praying for you. Love you!

Tammy said...

My prayer for you from a favorite hymn:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

I wish I could give you a hug today! It's good to remember. Ecc. 7:3. I feel like I've know you forever, and it's hard to imagine I wasn't there when you went through this 5 years ago. I love you my friend and will have a coffee and a hug for you next time I see you!!

KatieSue said...

New follower here...Your story is very touching...I hope you are able to find peace...

heidi said...

(((Lauren))))