Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A letter to my cervix

Dear Cervix,

You have been on my mind a lot lately. (And by a lot, I mean like a high school girl with an obsessive crush. If it were possible I would be calling you repeatedly and hanging up and then driving by your house six times in a row! Seriously, I can't get you off of my mind.)

Why have I been thinking about you so much?

Well, it's like this...for the last nine months you have done a bang up job of keeping things closed up tight and my unborn baby safe. You are a very competent cervix and I am giving you an A+ for effort so far.

But I fear that in your diligent concentration on the task at hand, you may have failed to look at the calendar. You see, there is a step 2 to your job description. At the end of nine months you are supposed to open the gates and let the baby out! And well, it's time! We're crossing the finish line, the turkey is cooked, you are cleared for take off, geterdone, etc.

Now I know what you are thinking and don't worry! I fully intend to have a stern talking to with uterus about the wimpy contractions she has been throwing out lately. You and I both know that is not going to get the job done. This is a team effort and it is time to start working together! If not for me, then do it for your good friend va-jay-jay. She always bears the brunt of the childbirthing abuse and she is really hoping for a rip-free delivery this go round! Do you think we can give that to her? It will require some concentrated effort on your part. Don't forget that with each moment that passes, that kid's head is rapidly approaching the size of a small watermelon!

Let me leave you with one final thought: Dr. G has lost all confidence in your ability to pull this off on your own. That's right, it's been scheduled! Come 5:00am on Thursday, if you haven't done your job, Pitocin is stepping in and taking over! Do you remember how unpleasant that was the last two times? Yeah, me too! So, work hard for the next 36 hours and maybe you can finally earn some bragging rights!

Sincerely,
this hugely pregnant woman

18 comments:

Emily said...

LMAO (if only that were a real possibility)...seriously...tears rolling down my face!

steph said...

Oh My, you are READY to have this baby! I will be praying for you and wishing your cervix follows your letter to a t. Can't wait to see picture of baby #3 and to actually be able to talk to Em about you again! and to call you and actually talk to you as well!
So exciting girl.

Bren said...

Oh my! Good luck in getting everyone on the same page! Those who have had the Pitocin know how bad it can get! Will be thinking of you and hoping for a happy, safe and FAST delivery of your new little bundle o'joy!!!

Krystyn said...

Oh, let me have a talk with that cervix. Are you positioned appropriately?

Okay, good!

Listen here Mr. Cervix. That's right. Mister. Now, you better go ahead and do your thing. Because, seriously, a woman who is 9 months pregnant with her third kid might go all crazy on your ass! So, get with it, um 'kay.

And, Uterus. Those fake contraction things? Totally don't cut it, so it's time to get in cahoots and get that baby out.

After all, we want to know if Emily bought airplanes or flowers!

PS Lauren, you are lucky. My doctor wouldn't induce me unless there was a complication or I was 2 weeks late!!!!

Mama Kat said...

Both of my girls were VERY late. I went into labor the very day my inducement was planned. It's like they knew "alright alright already, I'll come out".

On the up side...oh my GOSH you're baby is going to be here by Friday FOR SURE!!!

Good luck and congratulations!!

heidi said...

They should bottle up all the frustration and uncomfortableness from the lat week of pregnancy and sell it as birth control.

No placating words from me. I was induced with all four of my children. IN fact, I think all but 1 of them would crawl back into that cozy uterine apartment and live there again, if theat were a possibility.

How's that for a gross visual?

*sigh* The end sucks, dood.

Ehrenfelds said...

LMAO!!! Girl I feel for you! I am so sorry that Mr. Cervix is not getting things done. Been thinking of you and praying for you. Hope things may a turn for the best here very soon.

You are a real trooper for taking it so well and keeping your sense of humor :)

Ashley said...

That was so funny!!!! I'm sure you're not doing too much laughing right now though. At least it'll be over soon. I can't believe that baby #3 will be here by the end of this week. How exciting. I wish we were there to visit you in the hospital. It makes me sad missing things like this. Anyway, I'm excited for you guys. Good luck dealing with your stubborn cervix. (BTW: I thought your third baby was just supposed to fall out like two weeks before your due date!!!! This must be a stubborn boy.)

Pam said...

I was laughing so hard when I read this earlier while sitting in carpool line that I very nearly wet myself. I would've commented then were it not for the tiny keypad on my phone.

I know from which direction you come because I traveled down that very same road with my first. After that useless induction and hours of pushing, I was blessed beyond belief to be sliced open and have that babe extracted. The announcement of baby #2 brought about the scheduling of that next section. All I can say is it was well deserved since #1 was 9lb5oz and #2 weighed in at a whopping 10lb2oz. They even had trouble pulling that one out of the shoot!

I wish you a speedy labor and a tear-free delivery! We can't wait to get the news. Good luck!

Tonya said...

Oh I feel your pain but that was a very funny post! I hope that your body cooperates. There are ways to help your body in this process though...

Margaret said...

Great post. I hope it does its job soon. Pitocin is not so fun.

The Reller Family said...

Very funny letter to Mr. Cervix. I wish you all the best this week and hope that everything goes well for you! Good luck - just remember, it will all be over very soon!

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

I hope my cervix will read your letter (from a HUGELY pregnant woman with twins).

I wish you all the best!

Cherry Family said...

You make me laugh, Lauren! That is a great letter. : ) I wish you the best tomorrow and can't wait meet the new Snelling.

Heidi @ Blue Eyed Blessings said...

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I'm hoping that as I'm typing this your cervix has listened to your demands and is cooperating. Praying for the safe delivery of your baby girl or boy. Can't wait to hear the news!!

heidi said...

Thinking of you today, Lauren!! I hope you're holding your sweet new baby by now!!

Megan R. said...

I hope your cervix and uterus got their act together so the dreaded pitocin didn't have to make an appearance!! Can't wait to meet the newest member of the family!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Hilarious!